Depression · Happy · Love

Heartbreak..

There are 5 stages of heartbreak, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

Recently, my partner of 3 years left me and my world came crashing down around me. I couldn’t breath, the pain was immense! Confusion filled my head, realms of unanswered questions raced around my mind. I was in an never ending, mixed up cycle of the above stages of heartbreak.

First I had denial, I told myself it wasn’t happening that if I just kept on going, it would all be ok. I brushed it off, thinking if my partner loved me then she couldn’t possibly just leave me. How wrong I was!! I painted a smile on my face, went to work, partied and carried on living life. I thought my partner just needed some space and I waited for her to come home. Which never happened..my ex never came back.

Suddenly without warning depression kicked in. I already suffer from long term depression, so this stage for me was the worst. I hit rock bottom, I wanted to die. I couldn’t see past all the pain and hurt. My partner leaving enforced my own negative view of myself being worthless and unlovable. I was desperately low, I was in an extremely dark place. I wanted it all to end, I started to think everyone would be better of without me. I was on my knees, I had no hope, no light. A constant stream of tears rolled down my cheeks, there was no escape from the sadness.

Bargaining came next!! I said to myself ” come on, snap out of this state, she’ll come back if I do”. I sent emails to my ex saying how sorry I was for whatever I did wrong, that I will do better. I expressed how much love I have for her and how much I missed her. I wrote an plan of how we could move forwards with our relationship. I practically begged her to come back. I was utterly pathetic!!

Obviously, none of that worked. It just resulted in me feeling ashamed and angry. Until this stage, I had forgotten all the bad parts of the relationship, I had built up this image of the perfect couple and life together that we had. As anger pushed in suddenly this tainted view of losing this magical, amazing relationship disappeared! I saw the relationship in its true form. We had, had problems for a while, I got angry thinking about all the wrong my partner did to me. I wrote a list of all my partners wrong doings and faults in the relationship, the list was surprisingly long. I felt anger for the fact I had been abandoned, thrown away, totally disregarded. I wasn’t given a chance to even talk about the split, I was just ignored and blocked out. A rage flooded my body, I didn’t deserve to be treated like this. I was also angry with myself for all the mistakes, I too had made.

All these emotions and stages of heartbreak whirled around in a circus of orders. I switched and changed for days/weeks on end till eventually, I reached the final stage, acceptance. I have made peace with the fact my ex has gone. The reasoning why she left no longer matters. I have forgiven both my ex partner and myself. I loved my ex very much and I have countless memories to cherish. I don’t sugar coat the relationship anymore, I have accepted that it wasn’t perfect, there was real problems. I still believe these problems could of been resolved if my ex had stayed around however that wasn’t what my ex wanted and I have accepted that.

I still have a long way to go as all this has triggered and worsened my depression. I know though in time, I will be happy again. Im a big believer in fate, that everything happens for a reason, one day the reasons will be made clear. Life is, what it is, a journey full of twists and turns β˜€οΈ

18 thoughts on “Heartbreak..

  1. I am so sorry that you have to go through this life lesson because I know how painful it is. I have been through the pain and the begging to the point of complete humiliation. It took a long time before I fully understood that it was less about the person I had conveniently idealized, and more about being terrified to be alone. There is nothing that helps except time, keeping busy and focusing on you. Its an opportunity. Be still. Be with yourself.. Who are you? What makes you happy? What do you really want in life? It might be hard to believe at times, but you are enough to make you happy.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This post is beautiful, you are beautiful. Someone is better out there. You’ll never have to question your worth, you’ll never have to beg. One day, you’ll will look back and be thankful for this outcome.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have gone through divorce twice in my life. The stages of grief are incoprehensible. I never thought I would make it through but here I am. I am in a healthy long term relationship with a person who truly loves me and we work together so well. You’ve walked through the fire, now take the final step to get to the other side and you will have a wonderful life. This experience makes you stronger if you allow the lessons to help you grow. You’ve got this. Life and love are waiting for you to enjoy it. Give it all you’ve got.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. As someone who has gone through it and is yet to emerge victorious, I know it’ll get better. But cut yourself some slack, and give yourself time. As much as I want to say you’ll be over it quick, it’ll take time. Just remember that when you are in a deep hole, the light at the end of the tunnel will appear. It may take a while, but it will appear. πŸ™‚ take care of yourself πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

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