There are 5 stages of heartbreak, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
Recently, my partner of 3 years left me and my world came crashing down around me. I couldn’t breath, the pain was immense! Confusion filled my head, realms of unanswered questions raced around my mind. I was in an never ending, mixed up cycle of the above stages of heartbreak.
First I had denial, I told myself it wasn’t happening that if I just kept on going, it would all be ok. I brushed it off, thinking if my partner loved me then she couldn’t possibly just leave me. How wrong I was!! I painted a smile on my face, went to work, partied and carried on living life. I thought my partner just needed some space and I waited for her to come home. Which never happened..my ex never came back.
Suddenly without warning depression kicked in. I already suffer from long term depression, so this stage for me was the worst. I hit rock bottom, I wanted to die. I couldn’t see past all the pain and hurt. My partner leaving enforced my own negative view of myself being worthless and unlovable. I was desperately low, I was in an extremely dark place. I wanted it all to end, I started to think everyone would be better of without me. I was on my knees, I had no hope, no light. A constant stream of tears rolled down my cheeks, there was no escape from the sadness.
Bargaining came next!! I said to myself ” come on, snap out of this state, she’ll come back if I do”. I sent emails to my ex saying how sorry I was for whatever I did wrong, that I will do better. I expressed how much love I have for her and how much I missed her. I wrote an plan of how we could move forwards with our relationship. I practically begged her to come back. I was utterly pathetic!!
Obviously, none of that worked. It just resulted in me feeling ashamed and angry. Until this stage, I had forgotten all the bad parts of the relationship, I had built up this image of the perfect couple and life together that we had. As anger pushed in suddenly this tainted view of losing this magical, amazing relationship disappeared! I saw the relationship in its true form. We had, had problems for a while, I got angry thinking about all the wrong my partner did to me. I wrote a list of all my partners wrong doings and faults in the relationship, the list was surprisingly long. I felt anger for the fact I had been abandoned, thrown away, totally disregarded. I wasn’t given a chance to even talk about the split, I was just ignored and blocked out. A rage flooded my body, I didn’t deserve to be treated like this. I was also angry with myself for all the mistakes, I too had made.
All these emotions and stages of heartbreak whirled around in a circus of orders. I switched and changed for days/weeks on end till eventually, I reached the final stage, acceptance. I have made peace with the fact my ex has gone. The reasoning why she left no longer matters. I have forgiven both my ex partner and myself. I loved my ex very much and I have countless memories to cherish. I don’t sugar coat the relationship anymore, I have accepted that it wasn’t perfect, there was real problems. I still believe these problems could of been resolved if my ex had stayed around however that wasn’t what my ex wanted and I have accepted that.
I still have a long way to go as all this has triggered and worsened my depression. I know though in time, I will be happy again. Im a big believer in fate, that everything happens for a reason, one day the reasons will be made clear. Life is, what it is, a journey full of twists and turns ☀️